


Funny Business

by Devereauxs_Disease



Series: Space Invader [3]
Category: Adam (2009), Charlie Countryman (2013), Hannibal (TV), Hannibal Extended Universe - Fandom, Spacedogs - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Darko has a head for business, Hannibal Extended Universe, Humor, M/M, Nigel and Darko's business, Nigel is...a disaster, Who would hire these two?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 18:10:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8023897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devereauxs_Disease/pseuds/Devereauxs_Disease
Summary: Darko and Nigel have started a security company. Their biggest liability? Nigel meeting with clients. Someone save poor Darko.





	Funny Business

         “What are the rules?” Darko adjusted his tie, a light blue silk that added a pop of color to his charcoal grey suit. He looked respectable, Cosmo had told him so. Nigel, in his black suit, black shirt and no tie, looked like a goddamn hood, as usual.

         “Fuck you.”

         “Do you want me to call him? Because I fucking will.” Darko dug in his pocket and held up his phone.

         “Fucking tattletale.” Nigel grumbled, running his hands through his hair. “You know how pathetic that is?”

         “Almost as pathetic as you being afraid I’ll do it.” Darko tucked the phone back in his breast pocket. “Now, the rules.”

         Nigel sighed, stretching his neck. Darko watched the stripper peak over his collar. 

         “One, no fucking cursing. Two, no physical altercations, even if they’re cunts. Three, let you do all the talking. Four, don’t make faces when you’re talking.”

         Darko raised an eyebrow.

         “Five?”

         “Don’t fucking question the rules.”

         Cosmo and Darko had spent an hour creating the rules after the Nigel’s first pitch meeting had gone…poorly. He accidentally called the CFO’s wife fat, made fun of the security guards, and told the office manager he was a twat for making the pin pad wires easily accessible. Darko had to admit that Nigel was right, but he also wasn’t surprised when his follow-up call was ignored. 

          Darko pulled at Nigel’s shirt, fastening the open collar buttons. He still looked like he was selling coke, but at least now he looked like an upscale dealer.

         “If you want to clear $800 grand a year, we fucking need this company, nenorocitule. Think of all the mac n cheese you could buy Cosmo. Don’t fuck it up.”

         Nigel rolled his eyes. Darko sighed and headed toward the building. He really wanted this contract. If they cleared this, then he would be set for years. Nigel would be set for years. Maybe Darko wouldn’t have to worry so much about his staff, Cosmo, and his best fucking friend. This contract meant no more grumbling about drug money being better, no more field stripping guns in his boxers at 3 in the morning, and maybe a Cosmo of his own, with a nice ass, big tits, and smiling eyes – someone to come home to besides Nigel. 

         He glanced to his left, Nigel was strolling through the lobby glancing around like he was casing the joint. The rent-a-cop behind the security desk glared at them, picking up the phone to make a call. Nigel caught the guy’s eye and sneered.

          _Great._

* * *

         “This is an impressive presentation, Mr. Dalca, but your estimate is still well above what we currently pay,” the CFO said with a withering gaze. “I fail to see why we should switch to Bucharest Brothers Security.”

         Darko straightened in his chair. He and Adam had worked out a whole page of figures on the benefits of their company.

         “Because a fucking toddler could knock this place over.”

          _Fuck._

         Darko turned to glare at Nigel, who shrugged.

         “Excuse me?”

         “What my colleague was trying to say-”

         “Your security’s fancy, but it’s for shit.” Nigel rocked back on his chair, unbuttoning his collar. “Whatever twat installed your cameras left massive blind spots, your passcode boxes are fucking exposed and your security team looks like they couldn’t count to eleven if you stripped them fucking naked.”

         Darko’s eye twitched.

         “We have the best-”

         “You’ve bent the fuck over then thanked them for the privilege,” Nigel snorted. Darko subtly held out his phone, but Nigel was on a roll. “What do you keep in here? Spunk and blood, right?”

         “We are a medical testing lab, yes.”

         “Because I’m pretty fucking sure I can walk in here and walk out with an armful of spunk in 10 minutes flat and you’d all be left holding your dicks.”

         “Mr. Dalca, Mr. Balaur, I thank you for a very interesting meeting.”

         “Come on, chicken shit, I just offered you betting terms,” Nigel leaned forward. “I bet your security twats have a fancy fucking control room they use to stare at the secretaries’ tits and jerk off. You fuckers go there and I’ll leave the building. If I get into your lab without getting on camera, you give us the contract. If I don’t, well you can have security throw me out on my ass.” 

         Darko felt the artery in his neck throb. Adam had fucking promised him he’d worked on Nigel’s meeting skills. He could only watch in horror as Nigel threw his dick on the table and challenged the head of a multi-million dollar business to measure it.

         "If I see you on camera, I’ll have you arrested for trespassing.”

         Nigel laughed. Darko clenched his jaw.

         “Oooooh, trespassing! No wonder you fuckers got taken by the last company.”

         “Mr. Dalca, care to wait with us in the Security Suite?”

         “Of course.” Darko leaned toward Nigel. “Dacă o zbârcești, jur că îţi smulg pula și i-o dau lui Adam ca suvenir.”

         Nigel winked and Darko fought the basic need in his body to jump his best friend and beat him to death with the company’s financial reports.

* * *

         “Mr. Balaur, whenever you’re ready,” the CFO said into his cellphone. Nigel looked up at the security camera that was broadcasting his face on closed-circuit TV, pocketed his cell, and flipped the camera off. He stepped to the right and disappeared.

         “I don’t understand, check the other feed!” The guards were frantically switching between camera feeds, but Nigel was nowhere to be found. Minutes went by and somehow the most conspicuous man in the building never showed up on any feed.

         “Come on, nenorocitule,” Darko whispered as he scanned the monitors. Nigel might have been brash and had little patience for things that required finesse, but when it came to getting into buildings, he was a fucking cat. Darko knew Nigel could get past the lobby, the real test would be the lab, where a camera pointed directly on the keypad. Darko watched the keypad feed, a knot forming in his stomach with each passing minute.

         “Where the fuck is he?”

         “He probably just left.”

         “Mr. Dalca, do you know where he is?”

         “I have no idea.” Darko’s eyes were still glued to the screen, a man in shiny black shoes and a lab coat had just walked into the secure room with a group of scientists. Christ, he hoped Nigel hadn’t hit anyone over the head for that fucking coat.

         “It’s been ten minutes, no one has gotten near the lab,” The head security guard complained. He drummed his pudgy fingers on the camera display buttons. “Can we kick this asshole out and go find his friend?”

         “I don’t think that will be necessary, Mr. Dalca can see himself out.” The CFO sounded smug and Darko took a moment to remember that Adam would also be upset if he hit anyone.

         A loud thump made everyone in the suite jump.

          ** _BANG BANG BANG_**

Darko smiled and turned to the CFO.

         “You should probably open that.”

         Nigel stood on the other side of the door, arms full of vials and bags, lit cigarette in his mouth.

         “I wasn’t sure what people would want when they broke in, so here’s some jizz and blood. What the fuck are ovum? I grabbed a couple of those too.”

         The whole room was silent, but Darko couldn’t help returning Nigel’s shit-eating grin. Fucking Nigel.

         “You can’t smoke in here!” The pudgy security guard had a shrill fucking voice.

         “Don’t you worry, darling, I took out the smoke detectors first.”

         The CFO smiled.

         “Mr. Briggs?” He turned to the pudgy rent-a-cop. “Please return these things to the lab, immediately. I need to speak with these gentlemen.”

         “But sir-”

         “Now, Briggs.”

          The security guard huffed, collecting the vials and bags. He glared at Nigel as he was laden with biomaterials, turning on his heel to stomp down the hall.

          “Briggs, return this too, would you darling?” Nigel tossed the lab coat at Briggs, hitting him square in the face. Darko bit his cheek to keep from laughing.

* * *

          “Nigel, you better be at the tailgate on Sunday.” The CFO slapped Nigel on the back, before turning to Darko. “You too, Mr. Dalca.”

          “Wouldn’t fucking miss it, Bill.” Nigel returned the CFO’s slap, before chucking him on the shoulder. “Mind if I bring my boyfriend along?”

          “Sure! Sure!” Bill pointed at Darko. “And don’t forget the contracts, I’ll sign them Sunday.

          “Great, thank you again!”

          “You just make sure I’ve got Nigel setting up my security,” Bill said with a wink. “I could use some more no-bullshit types in this company!”

          Nigel’s face was unbearably smug, his lips twitching as he got more pats and even finger guns from Bill. Darko focused on the money. The contract was worth Nigel acting like an insufferable ass for a few days.

          When Darko turned on the engine, Nigel’s mood broke.

          “ _Don’t talk, Nigel. Don’t fucking curse, Nigel. Let me do everything, Nigel_ ,” He whined in a singsong voice. “Without me, we’d be going home with our tails between our fucking legs.”

          “Yes, Nigel.”

          “Fucking Bill! He loves me, requested me personally.” Nigel was on a roll. “Likes the no-bullshit type. You know what that means? You’re a bullshitter. He saw it clear as day.”

          “You want to walk home?”

          “See? That’s a bullshit thing to say.”

          “Nigel, you just landed us a big contract. Great. I’ve landed us four.”

          “More bullshit,” Nigel grumbled. “Plus none of the other guys had such fancy offices.”

          “What?”

          “Don’t even know what the fuck this is.” Nigel pulled a crystal dish out of his coat, studying it. “An ashtray?”

          “Did you? Are you fucking kidding me?”

          “What?” Nigel shrugged. “Ten bucks says he won’t even notice.”

          Darko nodded, turned off the car, and yanked out his phone, glaring at Nigel.

          “What the fuck are you doing? Darko? DARKO!”

          Nigel made a grab for his friend, but Darko was quicker, jumping out of the car.

          “Adam? Hey Cosmo, I just thought you should know,” Darko puffed into the phone. Nigel was chasing him frantically around the car. “Nigel smoked today, and he stole.”

          Nigel froze, Darko smiled wide.

          “He’d like to talk to you.” Darko held out the phone, Nigel’s eyes went wide.

          “Sugi pula! I’m going to fucking…Hello gorgeous!” Nigel winced at the phone. “Cosmo, baby, I was helping the company. I did really…yes, yes I know. I’m sorry! Adam, darling…”

          Darko reached into the car and snagged the ashtray.

          “I’ll just return this while you two chat.” He ignored Nigel’s non-verbal death gestures as he watched his best friend meekly _yes dear_ into the phone. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> **Translations:**
> 
>  
> 
> _Dacă o zbârcești, jur că îţi smulg pula și i-o dau lui Adam ca suvenir_  – If you fuck this up I swear I will rip your dick off and hand it to Adam as a memento.
> 
> _Sugi pula!_ \- Suck my dick!


End file.
